Thursday, October 29, 2009

Welcome to My Award

Welcome, to *Hollywood*.

Sometimes I don't even recognize myself, especially when I put ads up on line... to sell, my services.

Oh, my breasts come right out of my clavicle, and I also have an extra vageene, right underneath my armpit. Oh, I see a little black line, looks like a tomahawk. Guess I should shave.

These two douche-bags are announcing how great I am, et chetera, et chetera. Because I was entered in a *Hollywood* competition. I was the only one entered, guess who won? Let's have a look. Oh so good, I didn't even need to talk.

Brendad Ickson has porn-mouth.

Bllalalalalalalal. First thank your breasts, then thank your daddy. Always in that order.

Who needs to buy clothes when you can steal from the studio wardrobe?

I think I wore this dress meeting Mandy Kimper.

Stop! You can't remember a thing when you have syphilis.

First of all, thank you *Hollywood.*

Um... I was born with pubic hair -- oh god what am I saying?

I never met a zipper that didn't need a good tug. Show me the spam javelin.

I mean I eat sea monkeys cause I can always make more!

I have a big announcement: I'm going to open a brothel in Africa, just like Ofrah Whinney.

And finally, avoid cramps by staying away from girls. Goodnight.

I love this wetsuit because I'm left-handed, which means I'm better than everyone else!

Until I get a judickle restraining order, I keep stalking celebrities. Not even sure who this is. Huge Hefner? We might be related.

It doesn't even matter who this is, my face is slowly coming closer. Look it, it is almost right in front of you... it's so close, it's so close, come closer face!

"Lower your toxins," that's what this fatty told me. Trust me, grease calms me down.

I need surgery because one eye's higher than the other, so I've taken $10 out of your PayPal account, hahhaah.

I never go to the red carpet with a lazy uterus. Nor do I neither take photos with people that are better looking than me. See what I mean?

I think this is Constantine? Anyway, he discovered I wear jewelry everywhere until I reached under my skirt and pulled up my ring, now I had nothing holding my vageene together. Whoosh.

With a little cut and paste, I can be with anyone. And quite frankly, I get along with everyone... for what I want. I'm sure he knows how to punch a box.

How dare you axe me for a secret. I can tell you this: You can create your own conjugal visits with couscous and bunny buttons. I've always liked the touch of the tar... schticky.

You can make the words as big as you want, I still can't read. Seriously.

Nelson, I just don't understand your question about carpets or drapes. Sometimes I have blond hair or brown hair, but I'm on the red carpet. Hire yourself an interior designer, okay? I'm going to point to my breasts, distract you until you go away.

Oh, that's what you meant. Yes, red carpet, red drapes. Mmm.

I thank each of you for watching my triologee of three videos. Nice going junkies, here's your yum-yums.

Enjoy. I have to go shave my cat, so she knows she has nipples too.

Welcome to My Evil Twin

Well hello, I'm an ass talker. Bang bang.

I've got a full day of shucking in my tummy.

I've seen the light... Hm... and it's not quite bright enough!

We may be similar, but I'm more good.

*gargle* We're twins, that's how sperm works.

You're my sister, pivot-ball-change.

My ash could do with more rouging.

Calling Butterfield, 310 under the G clickity click 66. Lemme take my ear out first.

Hello, I can't hear you. Because, I have a blood-clot painting behind me.

We're in the same room, so don't talk; I'm not listening.

You're going to spy and scrutinize old scurvy-port.

Here's some advice for you, sister. *dial tone*

Good ear in. This wig makes me look like a Clydesdale.


Turn around unnaturally and... done!

Oh, she's pretending to read the book of... Galoshans.

A guy wearing a lamb. Okay, we know where this is going. Not much talent, so just shmile.

This'll be tough, but try playing a virgin. Oh, that's right. Surprised to find a walnut down there.

Now will him over here with garbage-bag eyes.

Hey fruit roll-ups, nice arms. It's great, because you won't even know what to do with her when you get to her. Well, we'll see. We'll see how it plays out.

Actually, the only thing he's going to play is that xylophone of a chest.

If I don't understand your words, how can I understand your silences?

That's right, touch it! It's called girl-face.

Careful now, she doesn't have a gag reflex. You'll get carpal tunnel... for sure!

You really have zero instincts. Other than to assess her split-end over-processed mingy mange. And resheeding bangs. Oops.

Wow, this is an exceedingly large caliber.

Glad you didn't pierce your ears, that woulda been a waste of a hole.

Doesn't feel right, does it? Close your eyes and dream that he's not underage.

It's like overpowering an amputee, Mr. Snatch-and-grab.

Oh, white curtains likes making play-dough.

You face is the shape of second base.

*sniff* Fifsty cent... take your watch off, you'll never see it again!

Don't stop there, she doesn't know she's dating someone until she has a cock in her mouth.... *giggles* Shorry I said hooker wordsh. Enjoy your hand-job.

Oh you're the boo-hoo-hoos, all a dream? No one really likes you? Troubles? ... Man with balls?

And then he went over and ate all the wheat out of her pantry. Ended up great for me.

Hmm. Nonsense.

Welcome to My Face-Off

Well hello. I've telepathed myself into the future to comment on how others can't do face or fashion... like I or me.

I don't like to be imitated. Ca-caw.

Oh yes, double eyes tried to do me. And then copy my videos.

Big hair doesn't stop your thoughts from escaping, two words: conditioner.

Who just spent a night with a pirate? Nice beard. Hoot.

I can't see your fat ass because of your small waist. How forgiving good lighting can be.

Don't spread, your accordion will start bellowing.

Shave the other side, no one likes a free buffet.

Nice look, if you're trying to conceal your third trimester.

Your face is just a reshepticle for fluids.

That's right, just load up on carbs. What the...? *snort* What the...? No, it goes in the hole in your face. It's just like prom night, you'll need to streeeeetch it out a little.

We get it, you're open for business.

You're fingering all the poses that I've liberated!

You're nothing! But a glamor-pussing, hot-bottomed, head-tilting cocoa fist.

Knock, knock. Only I wear red. And black. And red.

This means whore! Could you be more rapey?

Me, B. Dick, would never wear white, with a broken neck.

Nothing gets rid of flop sweats. Except for flops.

Even Hutterites knows, starve a fever, pick a boil and always brush down!

The Vaseline goes on the camera, not on your actual eye. Thank god my pores produce diamonds.

You know what I like about your lips? Nothing! But their sheer stupidity. You put the lipstick on, not off. Gives me... such pompous glory.

Let me judge you... I give you a 4, 5, whatever comes after 7 and keys to a hotel room.

Blend all you want, it doesn't erase poor bone structure.

No, I said put on a swimsuit, not take a whore bath. On top of it all, your knee has a boner--don't touch it, it leads to relationshits. Can't really wash away humiliation, can you?

I'm going to give you some important advice--don't walk away from m--do you have to look back at where you've been to see where you're going? Just look forward and walk! Stop looking back!

Oh, you were getting your blow-fish outfit. Another poor choice!

Cluck, cluck. More nasties from your wardrobe.

Remember, three pieces of ugly nary an outfit make.

Hope you're wearing bloomer so you don't spray everywhere.

Fashion doesn't need words, at least not yours.

It's nice to be liked just for an image. Look at me; this is how fashion kills.

Creepier fascination with emulating me. It's okay, this is just the penultimate. Ca-caw.

Welcome to My Home Part2

Welcome! Sorry I'm late, I gave myself a camel-toe and not the Dorothy Hamil kind.

Let me put my hands together.

You know, the one right down in my snackaterium... in my shaggy DA, in my messy cleft palate, and my most def. In the dirty old moose-hoof, in my fuzzy mimosa, in my busy furlough. God, I could use some trouser gravy right now.

Somesing you may not know about me: I take in purebreds and I give them a weave, then I tattoo eyebrows on them.

Well look at how big my vageene looks. It's a huge vageene. I've even had to underline it!

Now when I put you down little doggy, you're going to go run the camcorder. Cause you're gonna tape this and I'm going to sell this!

Oh, my thighs are so huge... watch me mount! *slurp* I'm now hermetically sealed the the bike. *slurp*

*heavy breathing* Okay, I'm exhausted. Something else you didn't know about me... I like going to the circus. I like playing whack-a-mole or pound-the-beaver.

Well, I'm 100% 50/50 that I can get down to my birth weight of 5 pounds 6 ounces.

Another diet tip is... if you get too much of anything in your mouth, just spit it out. God knows I do.

And with dieting, it's like life: As long as I don't bleed or cry, I'll do it.

Give yourself a chest camel-toe by lifting screws and nuts right under your chin! Well done. Kudos me! I made myself pregnant.

What the hell is thish words? Ah, the bottom line is, let me just paraphrase for you: If you... get skinny enough, you'll look like a lolly-pop: nice big head and a stick body, and that's the goal, ishn't it?

I just tattooed this cat this morning. Look at the good I do! Get the hell outta here.

I'm a pirate.

Here are the oos and oon'ts of dieting. Let me hold my vageene first. We're never, ever going to eat anything you see right here--especially that. That has sprouts and carrots and lettuce. When you consume those, they keep growing in your stomach... and they make you puffy.

They do! I tell you, they do, they do! That was acting. Thank you.

My shirt just threw up on my head, but if I hold my hands together and pretend I'm skinny... well, I hope you don't take umbrage with that.

I'm so exhausted, but that doesn't stop me from reading porn to the blind.

Standing and posing, it's just like pulling a trick now, isn't it? And you know how to do that! You haven't? Well let me ask you this: who hasn't traded a little quick sex in a toilet cubicle for a sawbuck before?

Well hello, amorous congress stick. You know what's good in my mouth? This carrot. I never met a carrot I didn't like... except for this one!

Welcome, to my ending. Remember, when you eat you're just a vacuum with nipples!

Welcome to My Home Part1

When do I look at the camera? When do I look?

Hi, what a surprise that you're here. Welcome, to my bathroom.

My fingers are... fused together. My thumb was broken in a acting accident.

I can't wait to show you more of my face. Look at my face. There's my face, there's my face. That's not my body, but this is my... face.

Here are four looks. I have four different emotions, they may seem the same... oh, there's my high-school grad picture and my picture from Woolworths.

I like to stare blankly into space. Aha, that's something I do.

When I was ten years old, I wore this dress. I just keep getting it altered. See, I still fit into my ten-year-old clothing. Look at that.

Oh, is that me on the wall? I drew it myself, with chalk!

I can't move, but boy, can I ever pose.

I wish there was a close-up on my face--there it is! *sigh* Wow, looking better and better all the time. That's a "beret," it's from Europe.

I really shouldn't be doing this... but I'm gonna have an ad for Ikea right now.

This is a complete Ikea closet, the bed is underneath my pants.

If you have a look, you can see that everything fits into this particle-board. You just paint it white, pull it out--oh, gold and silver. Those are my two signature colors.

What are legs good for? They're not good for pants, they're good for sitting!

It's after labor day and I am wearing white.

This is a very comfortable pose, this is how all the models do it.

This is called boobies. And this... is another picture of my face! I like putting Vaseline on the lens. It erases all lines that one may have on their face. It's a fashion face; a face full of fashion.

I eat so much fowl, I shit feathers.

It's winter, so I wear pantyhose with my open-toes sandals.

I only half-smile, so you grow want of my other teeth.

Click-click. Look like a teenager, don't I? Well, thankfully, my herpes are in remission right now , look: no blisters, not one... just a cold sore. Oh, that's herpes. *tsk* Oh, it's back.

I like to fill my breasts with photos of myself. One's bigger than the other because my hair is greater on one side.

This is live video footage of me, I don't blink. That's a huge part of fashion. Breathe in my eye, just some air. I do not blink, not at all. Good for me.

Here's what happens when I go down on my knees. I'm bending down right now, and I'm on my knees. There, I'm on my knees right now. I can really stay on my knees a very long time; huge part of fashion.

The look this season is clothes that don't fit correctly. These pants are way too tight, not my size. This top is completely not my size. Isn't it fashion?

This top doesn't fit at all. *laughter* *giggle*

These boots... don't fit. I wonder if belts fit? No, the belt does not fit either! *sigh*

Oh, these boots fit but the purse is the wrong size. I got this from Pick 'n Save. I'll tell you, their Halloween collection--not a lot to be desired.

This is an over-sized top. These are my breasts. I have two of them. I even out my breasts on my own.

It's still the same Woolco photo from earlier, I just cropped it to make it larger--oh, I cropped it again.

I'm really, really good with scissors. I'll tell you that much.

Here's what I wear to bed. It's... it's like a trap, a spider trap. I get them into my boudro and then I-I eat their head off. They're absolutely delicious.

I always wanted to be on Dynasty. But here's two things: a nipple and a tertiary nipple. I have two nipples... Ah, my tummy does not have any support right now, that's just me. And white shoes... it's before and after Labor day.

I wanted to show you this necklace. I'm wearing a gold necklace, ah with diamonds, I wear it in every single shot. Every single one.

Watch this: presto-chang-o!

Let's go up a little bit, let me get on my knees. I'm going down. Look what's there: it's a heart diamond necklace. If you see on my l-right hand side, that's my kitty-cat. I named it Chester and I... it was absolutely delicious.

And I'm also part of a Chipewyan tribe. I thought I looked very... native, north American in this.

I like to bring out my culture, my taste... Oh, when you open your legs ladies, watch the seagulls. Sometimes they come aflock and... they're your friends too! I could make a hat out of most of them.

Let's open microwave and see what I've made! Enjoy some popcorn. Absolutely yums! Yes I do eat solid food.

But I have four microwaves stacked on top of each other for when company comes over. My door is always welcome to you.

For Halloween I'm going to dress up as... a hooker! Won't that be fun? Look at all the choices I have. Oh, the kids just love it.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRS oh what's next, I can't remember what's next UVWXYZ!

I wish I was Jaclyn Smith, but I'm not... so here's my face double.

Okay, I like to put make-up over my make-up, and then tattoo my make-up on. I got it from Pick 'n Save. I'm already tattooed, but you can never have... enough, you know, can you?

My schedule is free, so I'm available for donkey shows, for grand openings, for sales. I'm good at telemarketing, and flourishes; watch the hand.

So, you know for Halloween, this is how we're going to look. Some people use this as a daily look. It's Halloween every day in my house!